Being 2nd

Few weeks ago I saw an argument between a son and a mom… which cause the son trying to push the mom and end up the mom storming away. It was something you wish you didn’t see in a Sunday afternoon. What a scene, I was dumbfounded seeing how rude the son was and I wanted to hit the son who happened to be my nephew straight in head. But, suddenly it hits me, back when I was at his age I was no difference and I get this strange feeling of deejavu.

Growing up I wasn’t actually a poster kids that parents are proud of. I had this big curly hair, my skin was quite dark back then~~> mostly due to the constant outdoors game with my besties. That was fun, going in and out of my kampong doing everything dangerous and straight up stupid! No wonder my mom always scolded me for always coming home late at night! Well, what can I say, I was naughty, headstrong, and most of the time rude compared to my other 2 siblings. Hehehe!

Going through adolescent, I struggle a sense of belonging as the second child of the family. I think being a second child really been a struggle for me. You see, I wasn’t always the favourite nor was I the loveable compare to my older sister and my youngest brother who have their own perks. As for me, I love to view myself as the odd one out, always up to no good, causing trouble, rioting and rebelling towards my parents. I feel like no one believes in me and no sense of belonging whatsoever. In order to be heard, I always do things against my mom’s order and everything that she said no. I guess now looking back, it was totally rude of me, yet it was just the best thing to do as a second child of the family to be heard.

 But, I am proud of myself for being able to keep my head straight ----> I guess I wasn’t as bad as I thought so plus I think I wasn’t brave enough to destroy myself completely.

I realize friends play an important role in my life back then. For they are my comforts and people that I share the common bond. I have all spectrum of friends that I could hang out, they made me feel belong and safe. Unfortunately, like anyone else I fell for peer pressure and start doing things that I thought by their nature was cool and fun, by then I realize I was far off from where I was. Slowly over time, I lost my senses and rationality.

At the same time, I was doing all of that stuff just to get away from my family, somehow I felt like I needed my own space and being with them suffocate me. Truly, I felt lost between my siblings and I realize I couldn’t compete with them in the race of affection from my parents. Like they said when you couldn’t get any affection from home you search elsewhere outside. As for now, I could care less, with or without my parents I am still going to live my life because this is my life, my only life, so why do I allow silly thought destroying of what I have at this moment. But, I am happy to say that my family and I are at a good place now, we have a weird way of loving each other yet we are happy in our own weird way.

I believe growing up we all face all types of struggle only you yourself understand. The fact that we rely solely on your friends in order to deal with the struggle, truly they feel like heaven for you, regardless whatever impact they have on you. When you feel like no one understands you and you feel left out, friends are the one you go for the TLC instead of parents. Might I say, they don’t understand us like a friend does! Well, that was what I am feeling when I was going through that phase of adolescent!! Back then, I do care about my family yet I care more for my friend… shallow right… well being a teenager is like that and eventually it does grow out of us over time.

Thinking back, I realize I was young and dumb, I couldn’t grasp the thought of me losing my senses and done all of those senseless things. I guess that’s the process of growing up, trial and error! In some way, I do feel I understand what my nephew going through and all he need right now is affection, attention, the need to be heard as well as a friend to listen. But hey, who am I to judge anyway!!

~~~> "Life is just one damned thing after another" - Elbert Hubbard<~~~